Attachment Styles Explained Like a TikTok
But with depth…
As a psychologist, I’ve noticed how often clients come into sessions saying, “So I saw this TikTok about attachment styles…”
And honestly? I get it. TikTok makes it funny, relatable, and easy to see yourself:
The anxious texter who panics at “…”
The avoidant partner who suddenly goes silent.
The disorganized style that wants love one second and pushes it away the next.
The content resonates because it reflects real patterns. But it usually stops at the surface.
The Deeper Story
Attachment styles aren’t just “quirks.” They’re survival strategies your nervous system developed based on your earliest relationships.
Anxious? You may have learned that staying close was the only way to feel safe.
Avoidant? You may have learned that vulnerability wasn’t safe, so independence became protection.
Disorganized? You may have learned that love felt dangerous — and you still carry that push-pull inside you.
Secure? You had enough consistency to know closeness and independence can coexist.
How Each Attachment Style Shows Up
✨ Anxious Attachment
Worrying your partner will leave you
Overanalyzing texts, tone, or silence
Difficulty being alone
Strong need for reassurance
✨ Avoidant Attachment
Feeling smothered when someone gets close
Struggling to share emotions or be vulnerable
Pulling away during conflict
Prioritizing independence over intimacy
✨ Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
Wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time
Swinging between anxious behaviors (clinging) and avoidant ones (shutting down)
Trust issues, often rooted in trauma
Feeling unsafe in relationships even when you want them
✨ Secure Attachment
Comfortable with both intimacy and independence
Can communicate needs directly
Handles conflict without spiraling
Feels safe trusting and being trusted
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Hard Yes! And that’s the piece TikTok often leaves out.
One of the biggest myths I hear is: “Well, I’m just anxious/avoidant/disorganized… that’s who I am.”
But here’s the truth: attachment styles are learned survival strategies, not permanent personality traits. They’re the way your nervous system adapted to early relationships in order to keep you safe. And anything that was learned can also be unlearned.
That doesn’t mean you flip a switch overnight. Healing happens in small, consistent steps:
💙 If you notice anxious attachment:
Practice grounding when anxiety spikes (breath, feet on the floor, self-talk: “I’m safe right now.”)
Build self-soothing routines so you’re less dependent on reassurance.
Work on voicing needs calmly and directly, instead of waiting until panic hits.
💙 If you notice avoidant attachment:
Start by sharing small vulnerabilities with people you trust.
Practice staying present in moments of closeness (even if uncomfortable).
Journal your fears about intimacy to bring awareness to them.
💙 If you notice disorganized attachment:
Focus on regulating your nervous system first — calming your body helps calm the push-pull cycle.
Notice the triggers that make you swing between clinging and withdrawing.
Work with a therapist to process trauma that fuels the fear of both closeness and distance.
💙 If you’re working toward secure attachment:
Keep practicing direct, open communication.
Nurture relationships that feel mutual and balanced.
Model what healthy connection looks like for others.
Every time you choose a healthier response—even if it’s clumsy, even if it’s hard—you’re showing your nervous system that it’s safe to connect in a new way. Over time, those small shifts build into real change.
You’re not “doomed” to stay anxious, avoidant, or disorganized forever. You’re human, and you’re capable of rewiring how you show up in relationships.
If you see yourself in these patterns and you’re ready to move toward healthier, more secure relationships, therapy can help. This work is about more than just “fixing communication” — it’s about healing the nervous system patterns that keep you stuck and learning how to feel safe, connected, and authentic in love.
If you’re looking for a psychologist in Florida, Virginia, Washington D.C., Pennsylvania, Texas, or any of the 40+ PSYPACT states, I’d love to support you. Together, we can work on shifting old attachment patterns, calming your nervous system, and building the kind of relationships that feel safe and nourishing.
💻 All sessions are held virtually, so you can access therapy from the comfort of your home.
👉 You can schedule a free 15 minute consultation below.
Written By: Dr. Keshani Perera, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
